sugar&street

As I've matured, I've been able to piece together explanations for things that I never wanted to be explained. Why my grandfather had to die...why my dad went off to California...the latter has bothered me the most.

I've been able to comfort myself with real and logical reasons for why these things need to happen. These chain of events that have consumed my train of thought and partially my life. There has not been a day when I haven't thought about it.

I cried the other night because I missed my father and how I wish I could feel the warmth of his chest when I would hug him and bury my face in his shirt. I wish I could feel his prickly facial hear when I would kiss him on the cheek. I wish I could see the wrinkles on the side of his mouth when he used to smile. I wish I could hear his laugh and see his eyes squint from laughter. It's been two long God-forsaken years. It feels like he left yesterday. It hollows my soul out slowly. Everything in my life has just gotten more confusing. I can't think clearly about my emotions. But on the other hand, I've been making the Dean's List for the past 2 terms. It was a hard smack in the face. I haven't cried over old shit in a while. It's not my style.

I was talking arguing with someone on the phone about my birthday party. That shit was 2 months ago. Mad people fronted on me. I don't give a fuck what your definition of frontin' is. Frontin' is when you say youre gonna do something and then you don't. Alot of people fronted on me on my birthday. There are no holidays in my life anymore. Just 365 regular days. It's childish but I just felt like no one cared about the day I was born. The day I began to exist.

So I spent a whole hour crying hysterically into my pillow. & Now, my thoughts are a little less clouded by this deeply embedded, dull pain of a heartbreak. My Dad was a part of me. His blood is mine. And he's 3000 miles away. My birthday is the day I started to exist, & that didn't really matter to anyone.

I'm being sensitive. But I've been so nonchalant for a while now.